It's a...

Girl!

We had our 20-week ultrasound this morning. Christmas Eve. What a great present. We have known for the last week and a half that we were having the ultrasound today, but we wanted to keep it a secret and surprise our families on Christmas. (Of course, we've already called them and told because we just couldn't keep it in.) So, we got to the hospital this morning at 8:15 for our appt. The technician was very nice and took a million pictures of the baby. She has two arms, two legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 4 heart chambers, and she had the hiccups. Very cute. She is perfect.

Now, we have a little bit of a conundrum because we felt we had the perfect boy's name, but we have no clue for a girl's name. I have been blurting out a million of them for weeks to which E has boisterously responded, "Veto!" As educators we have met more than our fair share of girls who are nothing but trouble. It is very hard to find a name with whom we cannot attach a girl who was truant, drug involved, pregnant, or btchy. We know we will find a name, but it sure isn't coming to us right now. So, she will be Baby Girl and we'll see if something better comes along.

Yesterday we were snowbound as yet another winter storm came through, so after the appt. we went shopping. Even though many people are out finishing their shopping, it still wasn't too bad. We looked at cribs and strollers and maternity clothes. E got a shirt for $5 with a coupon. Now that we know she's a girl, we broke down and bought a few outfits. What do you think? Cute? We're very happy that our little girl will be born in the warm May weather instead of this cold, snowy winter stuff.

So, we are dreaming of a white Christmas...and pink dresses and warm weather.

m

Christmas Vacation!

We are free. We actually survived the long haul from Thanksgiving to Christmas with children, parents, and fellow staff members. It was very hard the last week of school, but we made it and now we are FREE!

We went to the doctor's last week and all is going well. Our doctor is so funny and smart. She said my eye twitch is about stress and she bets it goes away during my vacation. I am measuring perfect and my weight gain has been slow, but fine for someone who started out with "a little meat on her bones." I have gained 6 pounds, so far and I am half way through the pregnancy. I am betting I gain a little more this month.....

That doesn't mean that my belly isn't sticking out like crazy now. I actually just feel fat, but when I put on my maternity clothes, I look pregnant. I am in need of maternity clothes and we had planned to go to the big city clothes shopping last weekend, but a crazy winter storm stopped us. We hope to go later on this week.

Yesterday we ran all of our last minute xmas errands and I got my Christmas toes. Every year I have a pedicure and get red toenails. It makes me feel better. Today we wrapped all of our gifts, watched another winter storm blow through, watched the Packers get creamed, cleaned the house, and are settling in for an evening of lasagne and bad TV.


E-

always the optimist

SNOW DOG....She loves it out there.




TABLE FOR FOUR....no waiting.


In E's last post, she said that we were expecting some snow and we were hoping for a snow day. Wish granted. 7 inches. I am a huge optimist about snow days. Every time we have a forecast that includes 3+ inches of snow or some icy conditions, I believe it may happen. E, on the other hand, can hear a blizzard forecast and still say, "We're going to school." Drives me crazy. So, I ignore her and go to the store and get some food. I check the weather every 2 minutes. I sleep lightly through the night listening for the snow plows and wondering what it's doing outside. Then, the phone rings...I give E a huge grin and throw my arms in the air in victory...Snow Day!!! We spent much of the day reading and staring out the windows as the snow fell at up to an inch an hour. In the early afternoon, we fired up the snowblower and cleaned up the sidewalks and driveway. It was a great day...forced relaxation. You can't drive anywhere. No one is moving. The world is silent. I love it.

Speaking of love...I think I look for it more during this time of year...Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, New Year (new start)...whatever you believe.

1. I was in line at the store tonight. A woman and her 20ish son were in line behind me and an old guy walks up with his purchase and loudly wishes everyone in earshot (that was quite a way in his tone of voice) a Merry Christmas. A few moments later he was talking to the woman about the busy-ness of the store and season. She asked if he was in a hurry and offered to let him go ahead of her. He was very happy and proceeded to push past me and go to the head of the line to wait for the clerk. After he was past us, the woman tapped me on the shoulder and apologized. I assured her it was completely okay. I thought it was a very nice gesture on her part to let him go. I also thought it was ironic that this old cooter was wishing everyone a Merry Christmas but was really in a hurry.

Footnote: Old cooter is not meant to be disrespectful. I worked in nursing homes for years and love the old folks. He really was a cooter in a "worked hard his whole life and now buying Nutcracker ballet" sort of way.

2. I got a phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a couple years. We used to work together and I taught her daughter. My friend called to congratulate us on the baby. I hadn't told her we were trying or even contemplating it, but I included it in a holiday card to her. When I returned her call, she said she had had a horrible year of family illness and death and was just so grateful to hear something good. We talked for an hour, catching up on our lives. She invited the three of us for a visit this summer. When we worked together, I didn't even share with her that I was gay, but she has always been in my corner. I love that kind of friend. The "I will take you for who you are and what you share with me and cheer you on the whole way" friend.

3. My sweet E. She always makes me laugh and knows I need chicken and potatoes when I don't feel good. She can lay around the house with me all day doing nothing in particular and miss me the next day when we go back to work. She will mischievously put her dirty socks on my pillow and grin until I threaten her with endless tickling. She will suffer through small cramps and ill-fitting clothes to wake up in the morning with "Look how much I grew overnight!"...and she's right. She knows when my kids at school are driving me nuts and will quietly empty the dishwasher while I unwind. She is smart as a whip and rarely forgets anything...a real bonus for me who forgets everything. She soothes my soul and recharges my battery. I love her madly.

4. Our baby whose kick I got to feel a few days ago.

m

18 weeks

What does it mean to be 18 weeks pregnant?

It means that you can no longer sleep on your back, so you must spend most of the night flipping from one side to other.

You must convince your loving, adorable, kind partner to switch sides of the bed so you can sleep on your left side more.

You must be prepared to eat food that isn't fat-free or low cal and be okay with it.

You should expect that every once and awhile you have the amazing experience of feeling a little kick coming from inside of yourself and if you are really lucky your partner gets to feel it as well.

When you lay down at night to fall asleep. you get to feel the little one rolling around within your tummy. It is so thrilling you don't want to fall asleep.

You can know that your pants are going to be too tight and you will need to buy maternity pants or invest in an bella band.

Know that people will start saying things like, "oh, I can see it now!" which is endearing and little off putting.

Various Random Tidbits

1. Motherhood Maternity store completely sucks. If you buy something on sale - you can't return it - EVER - even within their stupid 10 day return rule.

2. We got a front row parking spot at Target, during the xmas season, in the snow....small pleasures in life.

3. I had a minor breakdown on Saturday regarding baby furniture. Shopping for all that stuff is extremely stressful for me. M doesn't know whether to yell at me or comfort me. I think she wants to do both.

4. M bought me the most awesome snow pants this weekend. I can now take long walks with her and the dog all year long. I love it.

5. 9 more school days...it seems like forever. We are expecting more wintry conditions tomorrow and we are both hoping for a snow day??? I would even enjoy at 2-hour delay....

E-

what's in a name?

Hello Blogworld~
We thought you might need an update. Major events in no particular order...

1. E is still feeling great. She has a lot of energy and no food issues. It has made our day to day lives much easier.

2. We got the results of our Quad test today and everything is perfect (Nurse's words, not mine).

3. We went shopping for maternity clothes this weekend. First, we went to Macy's thinking that E might have an easier time with a good fit. What we found out was that they didn't fit well at all and they were pretty expensive even on sale. So, we went to Motherhood in the mall. I don't think the clothes will last forever, but they'll be great for as long as we need them. She got some great sweaters...some that are really say "I'm a pregnant woman." I love it. She looks great.

4. We braved a snowstorm to see a play on Saturday night. Before it started we were looking around, thinking we wouldn't see anyone we know and there was my nephew, one long row away from us. We waved and he found us afterward for a quick talk. Very fun.

5. I applied for family leave for next year, so I can stay home with the wee one. It won't be finalized for another week, but everything is looking good. I am soooo excited to be able to be with our baby for the first year. We are also very lucky because as educators and with amazingly lucky timing, E and I will both be home with the baby for the first four months.

6. We have finally decided to start buying things like a crib, etc. It helps that the store we're going to is having a big sale. hehehe

7. We cannot find a girl's name that works. We have decided to call her "Baby Girl" -- it will just be easier and when she is old enough she can pick her own name :) Just Kidding...right?

That's what's news here. We're just waiting for our next appt. where we'll make the 20-week ultrasound appt. where we will find out the gender.

m

16 weeks

We had an awesome Thanksgiving break. Five days of no school is wonderful. We fed eleven at Thanksgiving dinner and learned that it is a little easier to prepare a large meal while totally sober - as opposed to last year when we were slightly lit up and couldn't figure out why the turkey wouldn't cook.... The Friday after Thanksgiving was great. We did nothing but go to the bookstore (which was packed), read, watch movies, and hang out -- peace. Later in the weekend we cut down a xmas tree, decorated the house and the tree, read, and watched more movies.

Today was like going from 0 to 80. School for both of us was totally nuts. The adults, the children, the staff, the parents...all of them...crazy today. I think it is the readjustment to a regular schedule. We both got home and took a long walk with the dog and spewed our days to each other. We are now relaxing, blogging, and writing xmas cards.

Pregnancy: Going quite well at this point. I feel great and I am very pleased the baby is making its own hormones now. I have minor cramping on and off and every once and awhile a big ligament cramp. My clothes are decreasing, but I am making due. I bought a Bella Band this weekend....what a great invention. I wore it all day Saturday and it felt great and kept my pants up. For those who don't know -- a BellaBand is a spandex tube top that is worn around your waist and over your pants. It helps keep the pants up, even if they are unbuttoned.

We still haven't bought anything for the baby or its room. We will find out the week of xmas if it is a boy or a girl, that will help us determine our decorating needs.

We have 19 more school days until our xmas break.....not that we are counting or anything... ;)

E-

just stuff

Not much is new here. E is feeling much better...no more queasiness, not as exhausted (although we did go to bed at 8 p.m. the other night). We are back to eating more normal meals instead of waiting until the last moment to see what would sound good to E.

A funny aside to our food and drink story...when E became pregnant she obviously stopped drinking and so did I. (It's just not as fun without her.) We started going out to eat a lot because E didn't like the smell of food cooking in the house. I assumed we'd be spending over our allotted food budget. However, it turned out we spent a lot less...because we weren't buying beer. Yet another perk of being pregnant. :)

We had a doctor's appointment last week and got to hear the baby's heartbeat again. A strong 165 beats a minute. A couple people have asked me if the gender can be determined from the heartbeat. Everything I've read says it's an old wives tale, so I guess we have to wait for our 20-week ultrasound to be sure.

We have done absolutely nothing to get ready for the baby. I guess I should clarify that...we have neither done anything to the nursery nor have we bought anything. We have prepared by saving our money and taking care of all the lawyer stuff. Our good luck in finding professionals whom we like has held out. Our lawyer is as funny and caring and excellent as our doctor.

This week will fly by for us because tomorrow is our last day of work. Thursday will bring an influx of 11 of my family members. That's down from last Thanksgiving's gathering of 23...the little one will have plenty of cousins to grow up with.

Sometimes it's still hard to believe that we get to have a baby. I love being with E...even on days like this past weekend when we just make a jigsaw puzzle and clean the house. She always gives me crap for not putting it in a blog post........I don't want to take away her fun, so I won't write about how wonderful she is and how much I love her.

m

14 Weeks

I am somewhere in my 14th week of pregnancy. I think things are going well. We see the doctor tomorrow and I am sure hearing the heartbeat will reassure me and remind me that everything is okay. I think I am in the stage of pregnancy where not a lot happens. I am not really showing yet - except our weekly pictures prove that I am getting bigger, but at this point only M can really tell. I have gained about 3 pounds as of this morning.

I feel so much better it is unreal. I actually feel like a real person again. I can pretty much eat what I want and I don't have those crazy craving anymore. I am trying to eat more fruit and not snack between meals anymore. I am hungry in the morning hours, but it passes after lunch. I do not miss the upset belly or constant food struggle at all. However, I still want to go to bed as early as M will let me.

The clothes are still a major issue. I still have three pairs of regular pants that I am wearing and I did break down and buy a few maternity tops, but you can't even tell they are maternity so that is great. They are just much longer which helps a ton. My mother and sister sent me a box of clothes that helped a lot with a few skirts and button up tops. Tomorrow I am trying maternity tights! woohoo!

Today in my office a variety of pregnant women were talking about all the stuff they already have....cribs, strollers, baby carriers, etc. We have 2 bibs, 2 onzies, and a toy (all excellent gifts from M's mom). I don't think we are behind. I think my co-workers are super excited and ready to buy. My mind isn't there yet. I am actually more focused on the rest of the house and not on the nursery. I am obsessing over the best way to dust wood blinds. Crazy, I know. I am also waiting for the women of my world to stand up and buy me a gift. I didn't get to get married. I didn't have a bridal shower. I get a damn nice baby shower. Actually, I think we will get several from some very dear and sweet friends.

M surprised me last night with a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure at our favorite day spa. She has been great and has been very patient with me. I watched Oprah today about the "loves of a lifetime" and I thought of M often. We worked hard to get where we are -- at one point we actually made of list of things we had to do to end up together -- it was a very long list, but we did it and we had a lot smiles along the way. I am lucky to have her and she is damn lucky to have me!

P.S. I do have a funny left eye twitch. It twitches all day. Driving me nuts.

is it monday yet?

We spent the weekend getting ready for winter. Here's what we did in no particular order:

1. washed windows
2. cleaned the house
3. did a million loads of laundry (duvets, sheets, etc.)
4. mowed the lawn
5. drained the gas out of the mower
6. fired up the snowblower (good thing...snow flew today)
7. ripped out the dead tomato plants and herbs
8. planted about 150 tulip bulbs
9. trimmed back bushes and shrubs
10. spread the winterizing fertilizer
11. took three bags of lawn stuff to yard waste place
12. took a bunch of stuff to goodwill
13. turned off and drained the outdoor faucets
14. put the hose away

I woke up this morning and said to E, "Look at my eyes. I am more tired this morning than I was Friday after work...and we gained an hour of sleep!"

We did have a good time and feel great about having everything ready for winter. E is still feeling queasy on and off. In the middle of the night on Saturday I awoke to her getting sick. She was fine after a little while...probably a bad idea to eat leftover Halloween candy for dessert. hehee We finished the weekend with good food, though....E's turkey lasagna (yum!) and a salad.

So, after all that, I have to ask: Is it Monday yet? I'm sure we'll be in bed by 8 p.m. tonight.

m

Day 1

I wore my first "maternity" shirt today. I have pants that are one size up from my normal size and they still fit great. A co-worker gave me two bins of her old maternity clothes and I weeded through them and found about 15 items that will serve me well. So, today I put on a long comfy, cozy, cute, thin light blue hoodie and felt great. It was wonderful not having to pull at my tighter shirts and constantly re-adjust all day. I am going to look for more shirts like that. I haven't gained much weight, but my waist has changed and my lower abdomen has gotten a little bigger. And, since I usually worn sweaters/tops that were more form fitting my shirt selection has taken a big hit.

I have about 8 co-workers who are all pregnant. The closest are L who is 2 weeks ahead of me, J who is 4 weeks ahead of me. Both of them have very clear bumps and are in maternity pants. J and I worked the most together and have a great time comparing notes. It is both of our firsts. We will email each other things like, "K- I couldn't take it anymore, I rolled my pantyhose down to my hips..." or "why is my bra trying to squeeze me to death...?" About every 3 days we catch up and giggle about our changing bodies.

M and I had a wonderful 4 days break last week and it just reminds me of how much I love to just hanging out with her. We will wander through our days, talking, laughing, planning, working, and just relaxing. There are moments when we are both in this zone of talking and talking and talking. It usually occurs on a weekend morning when we are reading the paper. One of us will ask some random question and the next thing you know it is noon and we have been talking about our past, present, or future experiences/thoughts for hours. You never know when it will happen, but when it does it truly reminds me of how we fell in love and how much I still learn from her. I hope in our future we still find a little time for those conversations.

E-

Random Updates and Pictures

1. We have told people we are pregnant. It is quite a fun task. We have gotten all positive reactions with some surprise. People ask me the same three questions

a. How are you feeling?

b. When are you due?

c. Do you want to know if it is a boy or girl?

Answers:

a. I feel much better. Each day I feel better and better.

b. May 12th (and because we work in schools we get a ton of -- oh, great timing - if they only knew...)

c. Yes, we want to know. We are only have one so decorating must be perfect.

M gets the following question: Are you having it or is E? Of course, she says I am.

2. I am feeling much better. Each day I am less and less queasy. I am able to go much longer without eating and I seem to have stopped expanding so my pants are holding steady. I still have cravings. Yesterday I had to have a chef salad with ranch dressing -- yum.

3. M's Murary Lawnmower died. She has had it for 16 years and paid 100 bucks for it, but it finally died with one last lawn cutting to go this year. So, last weekend we went out and bought a new lawnmower. We promptly used it and know it will sit in the garage until next spring.

4. We have four days off and it is great. We didn't have to work Thursday or Friday this week so we are having a great time getting a list of things done. We thought we would go maternity clothes shopping, but I am nowhere near ready for maternity clothes yet. (We are rookies...what do we know...) So, instead we are redecorting our guest room. I am not painting due to the fumes, but M is doing a great job of trimming and rolling.

1st OB appt.

We went to our first official OB appointment yesterday. We waited for almost an hour to leave the waiting room. This is the second time we have had to wait a long time. I asked the nurse "Does she always run this behind schedule?" The nurse claims she doesn't, but I have yet to see that. We really love the doctor, but the clinic is so slllooowww.

We also had a "student teacher" nurse which was quite fun. As educators we got a kick out of watching the tenured nurse teach the baby nurse how to ask us all the crazy questions like - "Have you been using street drugs?" or "Have you or anyone in your family had (insert every known disease here)?" The nurses left, I changed and in came Dr. E.

Dr. E. is about 57 year old, tough as nails, and very focused when meeting with us. She answered every question completely and spent almost 45 minutes with us yesterday. We chose her because she is so tough. I need someone who can boss me around and that list is usually pretty short. She gave me a physical exam and listened for the heartbeat. Nothing. Nada. I had a noisy placenta, but she couldn't find the heartbeat. When she was done trying she said, "I'll have you come back in seven days and we will listen again - it is still early. Or, I could order an ultrasound." We said, "Yes, please...the ultrasound." She said, "Yeah, I thought that would be your answer." See -- that is what I like. She gets it that we are 1st timers who spent a fortune on this kid already.

This morning I called the ultrasound place, and they said I could come in this morning at 9:30a.m. or next Thursday afternoon. Of course, we both promptly left school and went to see the cool funny looking pictures.

The baby is doing great. It has arms and legs. Its heart was pounding away and it was bouncing all around the uterus. Wild to see and know that it is happening inside of you. We were both thrilled. Baby is just over 1 inch and is measuring perfect.

We started telling people today and that is a kick.

9 1/2 Weeks

I am happy to report that I am feeling so much better. The last two days have been much easier on me. I haven't felt as sick to my stomach and I can go longer without eating. The weekend was by far the worst. From Saturday afternoon until Tuesday morning I was totally uncomfortable with feelings of nausea. Thank goodness we made it through that phase. I am hopeful that my symptoms will continue to slowly decrease as I move toward the second trimester. My chest is still sore and I am still very tired come 7 pm, but finally the stomach has learned how to deal with the hormones.

Clothing
So, I have a pair of black pants that are my favorite dress pants. They are soft, have great lines, and are very comfortable. I wear them once a week from October until March. I also often where them to special occasions. I paid a small fortune for them and take excellent care of them so they will last forever. Last week I thought "great it's October time to bring out the great pants!" M looked at me and said, "you'd better hurry or they won't fit." I tried them on. I could button them and as long as I had no need to sit, kneel, or squat I would be fine. However, my job requires all three positions. I was heartbroken. My favorite pants.

This morning I put on a pair of gray pants that I love and they were fine, but they didn't fit as good as they used to. Most of my pants still button and are just a tiny, tiny bit too small right at the waist band. So, I had an idea. I have a pair of spanx. If you don't know what spanx are they are basically a suck-it-in pair of panyhose that runs from your knees to right below the bra line. I bought my pair for a great summer dress I wore to a wedding. I thought...what the hell I will wear the spanx to school and then it hit me! I bet I could get into my favorite black pants with spanx underneath. I tried it and yes the black pants fit (for the most part).

Two hours later I was sitting at my desk and I emailed M and said, "I feel like Scarlett O'hara going to the Wilkes B-B-Q all trussed up." It was very uncomfortable and I have learned my lesson. Do not wear pants that don't fit anymore -- even with clothing aids.

M and I work for the same school district and for the next two days we will be at a conference together. We will work with our own schools, but it will be nice to just know she is right there -- near me all day. We used to work in the same school for years and had a great time working together. That changed when our friendship turned to more......needless to say you can't be in a "relationship" and be in the same school. So, I miss having her in my physical work space. And, no kids for four days...it is gonna be great.

E-

boo!

Like It's Taking a Village, we had our own "what happened to the symptoms?" scare this week. E had a big cramp on Wednesday...just one, but then she woke up early Thursday morning and didn't have her usual symptoms. No queasiness, not as tired, no sore boobs. She called the doctor's office as soon as they opened, and they said we should come in. They would listen for the heartbeat and maybe send us across town for an ultrasound.

Our regular doctor wasn't in, so we were sent to a nearby clinic to see the doctor on call. The doctor on call turned out to be a female Doogie Howser. I do not think much about which doctor sees me when I go in. I figure they've all been trained, and I take their word as truth. E, on the other hand, wants someone who looks more than 12 years old and is willing to run any test needed.

Doogie assured us that she was not worried at all that the pregnancy was anything but normal. She said sometimes the symptoms take a break, and worst case scenario there was still nothing they could do and we had done nothing wrong. (They must take an entire class on how to say "you've done nothing wrong.") E was not assured and I was forced to say the clinic sucked. E is not sure she can stay with that clinic. We'll see.

Anyway, later that day she started to feel pregnancy normal again. Within 24 hours she had every symptom to the same degree.

Here's what we learned...
1. Women frequently confuse intestinal, ovarian, and bladder changes and pain as uterine cramps.
2. If there is no bleeding, it's probably not a miscarriage.
3. If you've heard the heartbeat, it's unlikely it will stop and you will have a miscarriage.
4. Symptoms will wane...especially near the end of the first trimester.

So, we'll try not to freak out so much the next time things change...and we hope the next "Boo!" is a trick or treater at Halloween.

m

All in 10 different colors

We did it. We finally took the huge step in accepting we are going to have a baby. It was monumental. We went and walked around Babies-r-Us. If you have never been to Babies-r-Us it is like a huge Target just for baby stuff.

We walked around for about an hour just browsing and checking this out. Tons of choices. Too many choices. Bottles, wipes, diaper bags, cribs, sheets, chairs, nuks, bibs, clothes, car seats, playpens, huge strollers, little strollers, toys, mobiles, and all in about 10 different color choices. Completely overwhelming. I finally looked at M and said, "Okay. I have had enough."

Where do you start? On Little House on the Prairie they had a cradle at the end of the bed that Paw had made. Woman in 3rd-world countries are lucky to have anything at all and I spent an hour of my life in a mega store for someone that is currently the size of large tadpole. I know that I am blessed to live in an industrialized nation and I do have the means to provide for my child in almost any way, but good grief. How much does one tiny person need?

So, my question to blogland is this: If you already have a child.....What did you really need? And, what was just crap?

E-

bowlin' night

Tonight was my first night of bowling for the season (my 6th, I think). It's E's favorite night of the week. I'm not supposed to know, but I have a strong idea that E and the dog lay on the couch together. I'm on a team with three women I currently work with or have worked with in the past. They're all a generation older than me, but we have a great time together. Only one of them knows we're pregnant, and it's very fun to watch her wait for the others to leave to ask questions.

E is feeling queasy quite a bit and has a hard time finding foods that sound good. She's eating lots and lots of small meals every day. She told me that she thought she would love being pregnant, but she hates it. I think that will change when the second trimester rolls around. We are both adapting to going to bed at 9 or earlier every night. I've been getting lots of reading time, which I love. I also frequently get to eat whatever I want because E's not interested.

I still can't wait to tell everyone. Keeping a secret for months is crazy.

m

use your words!

We had our 6-week ultrasound today, and on the drive over we got more and more nervous. We have read in a number of places, and the doctor confirmed, that sometimes you can hear the heartbeat this early. So, we wanted to hear the heartbeat but had convinced ourselves we wouldn't be too disappointed if we didn't.

I would say E and I waited comfortably to be called back for the scan, but her full bladder made her a little squirmy. The technician introduced herself and did the first abdominal scan. It was very quick and there was nothing I saw that I recognized. Then she began the vaginal ultrasound. Unlike the first scan, this one seemed to take a very long time. As she clicked around, I thought I saw something that looked like a baby but then I thought, "How the heck would I know?" Finally, the technician said, "There's the gestational sac." It was just a black spot on the screen. I thought, "There's nothing there" and my heart sank. The technician continued the scan. At one point, E asked if something was normal and the technician said, "Yes" but that was all. Although E and I were glued to the screen and not looking at each other, I could tell we were both anxious.

The technician finally told us where the baby was and how big it was (4mm) and E asked if that was the right size. The technician confirmed it was. E then had to hold her breath for a bit and then let it go. This went on a few times. There was a display on the bottom of the screen that looked like a display on a stereo that shows sound output. In my mind the technician was looking for a heartbeat and it would show on this display. I couldn't see any pattern to what was happening on the display or E's breathing. Again, my heart sank.

Finally, the technician said, "Okay, I'm going to look for the heartbeat. It might get loud." I thought, "Finally! Holy cow, what was she looking for all this time if not the heartbeat."

And then she turned up the volume and within moments we heard a very loud and distinct...thump, thump...thump, thump...thump, thump. I got tears in my eyes. In a matter of a half hour, my heart had sunk and now soared. That's my baby in there! E and I have both said this seems so surreal. That moment was evidence that this is real. Even though E doesn't look pregnant and few people know, we had live evidence today and it felt great.

And we have a new photo hanging on the refrigerator.

m

baby talk

We are back in the throes of school. Every summer I forget how tired I am by Friday afternoon. I met with my book club last night. One of them just had a baby and one is due in a month, so there was plenty of baby talk. They all know that E and I are trying to get pregnant, but I haven't confirmed that we're pregnant. We talked about everything...the drive to the hospital (which completely freaks me out), the delivery, daycare, etc. They all asked me a million questions....and I felt like the biggest liar in the world. I've told some whopping lies in my life, but for some reason it makes me feel so guilty not telling them the truth. I'll get over it.

The doctor who did the insemination called and wants us to come in for an ultrasound this week. It will be the six-week mark (I don't get the pregnancy math, either), and there's a chance we could hear the heartbeat. I am hopeful that we do, but I will not be surprised if we don't. That would be pretty early. We also have an ultrasound with our obstetrician mid-October, and I will be more set on the outcome of that one.

I feel very maternal about E's belly and very protective of her. We have a great connection, and in addition to the awe of a baby growing, I am very proud of E for working and doing all we do while still taking good care of herself.

m

4 weeks, 6 days

The ticker that is made at various web sites all like to say that I am 4 weeks, 6 days pregnant. I like to say that I am in my 5th week and about to start my 6th week. All these counting methods make me dizzy. So, I will say that I am going to start my 6th week tomorrow and that is how I am gonna play it.

Overall, I have felt very good. Things I have noticed:

Heartburn.
I need a 30 minute nap everyday.
I really don't want any form of breakfast food.
Fat - free Italian dressing smells like a chemical plant to me.
My gag reflex is triggered by the texture of certain foods: lettuce, almonds, and most recently corn bread.
My sense of smell is picking up. Which isn't a good thing when the dog (or others) let some rip.
I have cramping on and off throughout the day and almost every night. It seems to be reducing.
Constant worry.

The first 12 weeks will be very long and full of worry. We went to the doctor on Thursday and everything was fine. My doctor is awesome. She is very down to earth and believes that if someone is going to miscarry it is going to happen. It is extremely rare that mothers cause a miscarriage. It is almost always genetic. She told us not to worry and know that if it does happen, there is nothing we could have done to stop it.

And, when you think about it that is very true. Some women abuse their bodies during pregnancy (smoking, drinking, drugs, etc..) and still have babies. Sadly, working in education I see the results of many of those situations. I would say that every year I work with a few students who were drug addicted at birth and a few more that are fetal-alcohol babies. Very tough lives for those children and families.

So, my mind is clear on the issue, but of course, I still worry and hope and pray that everything will be okay. The emotional side is very hard to convince to do anything else.

Additionally, M has been great. She takes wonderful care of me and lets me nap as needed. She is very cute about the entire thing. It is quite a fun adventure.

E-

it's all sinking in

It's been a few days since we got the positive HPT, and I think things are just sinking in. After the first two HPTs, E was calm and happy. However, when we saw the third stick that actually said PREGNANT, she was a little shocked. I think that's when it clicked with her that she's really pregnant. With me, it happens very slowly. Odd moments when I think how different next year will be...that it won't be a quiet house where we're in charge of our own schedules. I have moments when I am ecstatic. I have moments when I am completely freaked out. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself that people do this every day and everyone is fine.

E and I process things very differently. I think we'll be happy and healthy. E will not be convinced until the first trimester is over, the second trimester is over, and ultimately, not until we are holding a healthy baby. She is reading books and blogs and websites, thirsting for more information. I tend to look at the ads in the paper and think, "hmmm...wonder if we'll need that." We are like this with everything...buying cars, planting the garden, and now, having a baby. We call my approach walking around it and hers the direct route. It works for us.

School has started and it's hard for me not to shout to everyone that we are having a baby. It's also very odd to think that before the year is over I will be a mom. Mostly, I feel very lucky. I have a beautiful, wonderful, loving, funny partner who I will watch turn into a beautiful, wonderful, loving, funny mom.

m

I am so happy for ME!!!!

Here are the updates:

1. The fence was finished and it looks great! The puppy (7 year old Golden Retriever) has had a blast running around her yard. It is so much easier on us, too. No more worrying about her dashing across the street to play with the other dogs.

2. We are both back at work - summer vacation is over. Our local paper's headline this morning was..."Summer's Last Gasp." So true in this part of the world.

3. The annoying neighbors that live about 3 houses away are moving today! Excellent news!

4. Oh yeah, and we are pregnant. Heheheh


So, our last inseminiation was August 20th and it was perfectly timed. We went in about 10:30 a.m. and my ovulation sensation/pain started about 1 p.m. and was done by 6 p.m. Additionally, we had the HSG test the week before which cleans everything out.

I had a wave of wooziness on DPO 1 and starting about DPO 2 I had sore and sensitive nipples, which I still do. Around day 8 DPO I started to feel very full and a little dizzy throughout the day. That feeling continues as well.

On DPO 9 we decided to test with a FRER pregnancy test in the afternoon. When the test came up there was a whisper of a line -- super, super light, but there was something there. Normally, those tests are as white as sheets when they are negative. So, the next day, DPO 10, we tested again with a FRER and the line was clearly visable...not dark, but a line. Happiness ensued.

We called my mother and she cried and was very happy. I most remember her saying, through her sobs, "I am so happy for you and M. I am so happy for ME!" Etc... Etc... Etc... We then told M's mom who was thrilled and apparently needs to start crocheting some things. :)

We have only told a few people because it is so early and we all know that we must be cautious. 12 weeks is a long time, but we needed to tell the people that would be our support system if something goes wrong. I told 3 of my closest co-workers who would notice that something is different. M has told her family and a couple close friends, but that is all. We'll save the big announcement until November when it will be "safer."

Things that are wild:
1. We ended up getting pregnant at the downtown clinic -- the one we were scared out of on our first visit. We did not get pregnant at the posh fertility clinic or the fancy clinic on the chic side of town.

2. August was our original start month, until we read all the blogs last winter and realized we should start earlier.

3. This was the last month with our favorite donor. He is all out.

So, deep breaths, happy faces, and letting it all sink in.

E-

fence me in

We have the beginnings of a new fence around our yard. From the time we moved in, we planned on getting one, but we moved the timeline up when our dog decided she could cross the street whenever she wanted. I never relish the thought of the neighbors watching me try to corral her and she lays stealthily and then leaps away just before I can grab her. Even worse than that would be to see her get hit by a car. In addition to the dog's safety, we also secretly hope there's a baby/toddler/kid running around out there someday, too.



These are the days I feel bad for E. She's at work and found out today that yet another coworker is pregnant. We know probably six women that she works with who are pregnant. E congratulates them and is truly happy for them. But, I know that she also wonders why not us. It's only 2dpo, so we will keep our fingers crossed that soon there are seven women pregnant.



m

it's more of an 8-step program

1. Get a positive on the OPK that lights up like the 4th of July.
2. Be patient and don't get inseminated too soon.
3. Try not to wince as the physician's assistant jams the catheter in...in a not-so-gentle way.
4. Give the swimmers and the ovaries a pep talk. Let them know this is the donor's last shot.
5. Go back to work and play.
6. Forget that it's only been 2 hours and not 2 weeks.
7. Ignore any possible physical symptom.
8. And just keep waiting....

m

like clockwork

With the clomid, E is like clockwork. Today is CD15 and we have a positive on the OPK stick. Since E had the HSG and found out everything is clear, we have spent a lot of time thinking about timing. We think we may have inseminated too early the last couple times. So, we will wait until morning to go in and then we're right back in the two week wait. Woohoo!!!!

...and a lovely vest

So, E and I went in today for the powerwashing. As she said, everything is great. We feel like it was a good idea to know that physically all is well and that we have a greater chance for the next three months.

Moments in the x-ray room...
1. E cannot keep her hands off the toys. She wanted to see what the instruments looked like, what the chart said, what the little bottles said. She was playing with the stirrups (which looked like video game joysticks). If I hadn't been in the room, she would have taken the x-ray machine apart to see how it worked. I limited her to turning the lights on and off.


2. I had to wear a heavy vest to protect me from the x-rays. In hindsight, I probably should have taken it off for the 45 minutes we waited for the doctor. However, it was a lovely jewel-tone green that E said I looked great in. heheheh

3. We suck at 20 questions. Seriously, the city of Rome, Karl Rove, Thomas Jefferson, and a bike chain. Those were the best we could do.

4. E did great. She only winced a couple times and never let loose with the swear words that are usually on the tip of her tongue when she's in pain or frustrated.

5. After office visits, I usually think our doctor is a little perfunctory, but today he was awesome...very reassuring, very kind. Maybe office visits bore him.

So, we are ready for the next try. We hope that after the HSG the little swimmers think they're on a water slide.

m

20 questions

We made it through it. We arrived on time. We checked in. We met the nurse. We then waited.....for 45 minutes on the doctor. We played rounds of 20 questions. M wouldn't let me touch hardly anything in the room (I like to complete a thorough inspection of everything in the room).

Finally, the Doc arrives and he does all sorts of stuff to get the dye ready. It hurts. I won't lie. I squeezed M's hand and tried to relax. It hurt for about 2-3 minutes, but then I relaxed and we had a break before the dye was injected.

We saw the entire thing on the monitor. Dye flowing through my insides and I could feel it expanding everything (hurt for another 1-2 minutes). Then they ask you to turn and make sure everything is clear.

I am all clear. I have a perfectly shaped uterus. Both tubes were open and able to accept the dye. That is all good news. I currently feel a little crampy, but nothing too serious.

Now, we wait for ovulation. It should be around next Monday. It is the last chance with our current donor. After that, we have to choose someone new.

E-

hello, yeah, it's been a while

(everyone over 40 is humming...england dan and john ford coley, for those of you wondering)



E told me it's been a while since I've blogged...



E and I went to the doctor yesterday, and the three of us decided that E should have an HSG. The formal name is hysterosalpingogram, but we prefer to call it a good pressurewashing. It's a test to make sure the tubes are not blocked and the uterus is healthy. We decided that we should have it done now because a.) why keep trying before making sure the pathway is clear? and b.) it's a last shot at using E's insurance before she drops hers at the end of the month and is only on mine. I haven't done all the research I want to do, but I know that it can range from somewhat to quite painful. A little anesthesia is involved and E is sensitive to it, so in addition to the usual mild cramping and bleeding experienced by most women, E could also have some nausea and vomiting. One possible benefit of the test is that you have an increased chance of becoming pregnant for the next three months or so after having it. We'll see.



I feel bad that E has to go through all this. She's back on the clomid, although the hot flashes seem to be more tolerable. I think it is hard for her to not be pregnant yet because she loves being above average in everything. I think sometimes she wants to strangle me (or at least give me a good pop) because I don't appear to be as upset as she is. I think it's different not being the one attempting to carry the baby. I don't physically feel what she feels, and no matter how hard I try to be involved with timing and doctor's appointments and everything else...I simply am not peeing on sticks nor putting my feet in the stirrups.



...and maybe I should stop teasing her about having twins....Mary and Larry...



m

Back to School

We are off to the doctor's tomorrow to discuss our plan. It is frustrating not to be pregnant yet, but we still have time.

I am actually sad not to be in the TWW. I like days 1dpo through 10 dpo. Those days are full of hope and excitement. There is a lot of dreaming and hoping. Around day 10 it starts to go bad -- negative after negative after negative.

We are CD 3 and I am sure I will start the clomid tomorrow - which means I expect the hot flashes by the weekend...woohoo! I actually find them quite funny at this point. And, it helped with ovulation last month so I am willing to do it again.

My summer is over and I am back at work -- it isn't that bad because there are no kids or teachers, but I am having to put on makeup everyday...heheh

Oh, and excellent news from M's family. Her little sister is pregnant. We are excited for her -- she has been trying for awhile too.

The Two Week Wait

1. We are not pregnant. I haven't gotten my period, but it is DPO 12 and nothing on the test. There should at least be a faint line by now. We are using the FRER (First Response Early Response test).

2. I think there are two very hard parts of this entire process. First is waiting for ovualtion -- where you have to pee on a ton of sticks all the time. Second is the last few days of the TWW - where you are hopeful and then crushed - then hopeful - then crushed, etc., etc., etc....

3. I know that this child (when ever he or she arrives) will be blessed and know that they were wanted, worked for, and loved from the first thought of them. And, I have a blog to prove it. ;)

Now, I have a rant. I believe this TWW is a form of torture that should be resolved. Why is it that...

It takes:
2 days to get to the moon
2-6 hours to take a living heart out of one person and place it into another
40 hours to fly around the entire world

AND -

Someone took the time to figure out that we have about 25,000 genes.
Some took the time to create about 64 million websites.

And YET - no one on the entire planet of 6 billion people can figure out how to know if a woman is pregnant or not in less that two weeks. (okay with a really sensitive test and really early implantation - maybe a little over a week...but, come on!) GIVE ME A BREAK!

There - that is my rant. I had to put it here because M is sick and tired of hearing me give her the same lecture everytime we go through the TWW.

Thanks for all the well wishes. August is going to be our lucky month. It was the original start date that we moved up. We are going to the doctors on Wednesday and looking forward to a new plan.

E-

So far

We got back from our mini-vacation which was full of adventure...and tested and nothing. Nothing. Nada. It's DPO 10.

I am not feeling anything. It might not be our month. We will know for sure in about 2 days.

I find the 1 week of the TWW quite fun because it is full of hope. The second week is full of dread.

E-

Cycle 4, 6dpo

The history:
Cycle 1: Lots of symptoms (woozy, tired, sore breasts), but no positive.
Cycle 2: Waste of money. Ovulated too late to even make it worth the try.
Cycle 3: Clomid but ovulated too late to try.

Present time:
Cycle 4: We think our timing was good. Double the dose of clomid and ovulated on Day 16. Some ovulation sensation later in the day after E was inseminated. None of the symptoms from Cycle 1 are present this time. E had some cramping on Day 4. She has felt mildly woozy a couple times...could be hunger or something else.

The most obvious "you are not like yourself" sign is that she is extraordinarily tired. I don't mean a few yawns. I mean she fell asleep on the couch last night at 7 p.m., dragged herself to bed at 10 and got up this morning at 7 a.m. We did our usual hang out on Saturday morning, then went for a great hike, came home and ate lunch. After lunch E laid down and slept for about 45 minutes. It is fun to watch her lay on the couch completely konked out. She is like a little kid. Cute.

We are trying not to think too much about it. We are trying to forget about what day it is and just enjoy the end of our summer together. Next week we are taking a mini-vacation. We have agreed not to test too early.

m

Tagged

Thanks Sara and Erin for tagging us. We think this will be a good distraction for us, too, while we are in the TWW. Here are the rules: Let others know who tagged you.Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. E and I were friends for years before we became more. Actually, we didn't like talking face to face. We emailed all the time and went to dinner once a week.

2. E was one of my many bosses. I don't think I can say any more. heheh

3. One of the wonderful things about our relationship is that we are both more introverted than extroverted. While we have many friends, there is nothing we like better than hanging out with just each other. We love being in our house with our dog, riding bikes together, and reading every night before falling asleep.

4. In the summer we eat sugar free popsicles like they are crack.

5. We each have two bicycles......and they have names.

6. M didn't talk to me for the entire first year she knew me (I was a new teacher).

7. M eats the exact same breakfast every day for years - whole wheat muffin with peanut butter.

8. We have huge fights over the thermostat.

We are tagging Jennifer, Kim and M, and Wendy and Karen.

Sweet Tea

Yesterday's insemination was a very nice experience. I loved going to the clinic and being the only ones there. The PA was so nice and positive. The room was great and it even had a lava lamp in it - very cool. I adored that M got to help. She was very brave and fun about the entire thing. It did hurt a little more than normal, but it passed quickly. My favorite part was after it was all done and M and I sat on the table together and laughed about the entire experience. She has a great laugh and smile.

I started to have ovulation pain last night but nothing severe.....until....the middle of the night. My left side hurt so bad that I thought I was going to throw up. I have read that using clomid might make ovulation more painful. It hurt the most from about 5 am until 9am. I had to take something...it just hurt too bad. Now, it just feels sore and a little bloated.

I drank sweet tea as opposed to beer tonight. So, let the TWW begin.

E-

lending a helping hand

We had no idea what to expect from this clinic and we didn't choose it because initially it didn't seem as nice. It was busy, older, and the rooms were small. But today, we had a great experience.

E called this morning, talked to the PA and we got to choose a time. We met at a clinic on the other side of town. We walked into a beautiful building. There were very few cars in the parking lot and when we got to our floor, we were the only ones there. The PA came out, gave us a warm smile and a good handshake, and took us to a room. It was clean and quiet. The PA was very nice and professional.

After we got settled, she came back and said, "The sperm like to stay warm. Here." Then she handed me the vial. Totally great. Given that I can't be really involved, it was great to even hold the vial. She left again and I was all grins. So was E. She returned with the syringe and catheter...and asked if I wanted to help. I know that is sometimes an option, but I hadn't been asked at the other clinic. I never thought much about it. The second she said it though, I knew I wanted to. So, after everything was ready, I got to push the plunger on the syringe to start the little guys on their way. The process wasn't gross or weird. For the first time I really felt part of everything.

The PA said she had to do some work in her office around the corner and we were welcome to stay as long as we liked. We stayed for about 15 minutes talking and enjoying our peace and quiet. No one asked about payment or what to do if it doesn't work. No one made small talk. If it works this time, we will have a wonderful memory of how it all came about.

On the way to the clinic this morning we had to run a couple errands. Fortunately, we had plenty of time because we drove right into the gay pride parade. We pulled over and watched the whole thing...fun. At our second stop, I had to explain that E was my partner so I could pick up an order. This is why I can't live anywhere else. Watching a gay parade, talking openly about my partner, and then helping to inseminate her.

m

P.S. As I was writing this, E said, "I just had a sharp left ovary pain." Excellent timing.

Lucky Day 16

Well -- it is that time again.

We got a positive OPK (Ovulator Predictor Kit) last night. We go in at 1 p.m. today.

We haven't used this clinic before so we really don't know what to expect. We'll see.....

CD #14

Cycle Day 14.

I have survived the worst of the clomid hot flashes. They are very minor, if at all, at this point. Clomid is an interesting drug; it makes me hungry and hot. The hot flashes are like waves of hot crashing through my chest and arms. I now pee on a stick every morning between 10a.m.-11a.m. and wait for the egg symbol to pop up on the machine. We will add a night time check around bedtime tonight.

Someone posted that this is the hardest part of the cycle and I agree. You have no control over this part and you have no idea when it is going to happen -- could it be today? will it be before day 20? what day is too late? when do we fine out we have to skip another month? During the TWW (two week wait) you know when it will be over. You take the test and get your period and you know that you are done. During the "waiting for ovulation phase" your entire life looks like this:

*if I get a + today then we will go tomorrow morning - but it is a weekend so we have to go across town
*if I get + Saturday, then we will have to go in on Sunday and of course across town
*if I get a + Sunday, then we have to go on Monday, but I am working and I will have to re-arrange meeting A, B, and C

You are just in a constant game of schedule management.

Another thought:

Silver lining. I am a pretty positive person and I have found my silver lining to not being pregnant on the 1st try or the 2nd try or the no-try 3rd time. The silver lining is that we have been able to slow down and think. When you first start this process there are tons of new words, patterns, doctors, processes, and people. It is all very exciting and people are positive and you feel overwhelmed with the idea that in nine months you could be a mother. But, for whatever reason it doesn't happen. You become a patient. You follow sets of instructions. You are not ever going to be a one-hit wonder. It isn't going to be easy. You are going to have to work for it. Your mind shifts.

You become committed to trying. You no longer become committed to being a parent. You promise to try, to follow doctors' orders, to take the drugs, pee on the sticks, and save money. One begins to think about what life would be like without a child and find comfort in being with your partner. You are committed to trying, to praying about it, and to hoping for the best. You really can't let your mind decorate the nursery -- you can only be committed and focused on trying to get to that point.

E-

puppy love

Aaahhhhhhhhh.......home at last. We enjoyed the time away and are glad to be back. I think the worst part was that our golden retriever had to go to the kennel while we were away. I have had her since she was 7 weeks old and now she is 7 years old. She is a great dog and everyone immediately falls in love with her. E used to be very wary of the dog...she would try to move away and definitely did not enjoy the slobber. When we dropped the dog off at the kennel, E cried. Times change. The golden is so much a part of our life. The house just doesn't seem the same when she's not around.

While we were on our trip, I read Marley and Me. It's a good, fun read. But I should not have read it while the dog was not with me. If you love a dog, have ever loved a dog, or have ever thought about wanting a dog, you should read the book. It is hysterically funny and sweet. I was very happy when my dog came running into my arms.

*****
On the baby front, E is taking twice the clomid dose and has started having hot flashes. In addition to being fun to watch her go from pink to red and "glowing," I also like it because I feel like at least something is happening. Hopefully the increased dose will get us going in a more timely fashion.

m

Cycle #4

Cycle #1: a possible hit, but nothing to report
Cycle #2: late ovulation (Day 21) but inseminated anyways
Cycle #3: 50 mgs of clomid, hot flashes, late ovulation (Day 25) - no insemination
Cycle #4: Doctor upped my clomid to 100 mgs and we will wait for ovulation

We just got back from a vacation of visiting family. The weather was hot, but we had a good time. We are home for a few weeks now with nothing to do and it is marvelous.

Finally

Finally -- it is my last day of school. I turned off the email, changed my voicemail message to say 'don't call me I don't care' (kidding), and shut my door -- I am out of there. I work an 11-month contract so July is my month of doing nothing. Being partnered with a fellow educator rocks because we almost always get the same vacation time.

July is our month to be together, read, relax, travel, bike, and most recently GOLF. We went golfing yesterday with friends (first time for me) and it was great. We didn't count strokes...why would we? It was an amazing afternoon filled with beer, friends, laughs, and sport.

Baby-making-news: The doctor wants me to call him on the first day of my cycle and then he will decided how much clomid to pump me full of. I can't wait for the hot-flashes in July. ;) So, we will enjoy our first few days of freedom and soak up the gorgeous Midwest summer weather.

E-

a man, a plan...no canal

The Clearblue Easy finally indicated the surge yesterday (day 25). We called the doctor who said that it was probably too late to inseminate. While we wish we could inseminate, we do appreciate not wasting a bunch of money when it probably won't work. The doctor said he would read our records on Monday and call us on Tuesday with the plan for next month. We are very happy that our new doctor seems to be on the same page we are.

Now, we are off to our best friend's wedding. Cheers.

m and E-

better late than never?

It is day 24 and still no ovulation. I thought the clomid would speed up the ovulation, but I am obviously wrong. The bad news is that we're still waiting for E to ovulate, but the good news is that the clomid makes the egg more viable. So, when we talked to the doctor last week, he said he would still do the insemination because the chances are still very good. The Clearblue Easy was at the medium level this morning. (I know it doesn't really mean medium but that's how I think of it.) We are excited that we still have a chance this month. Sometimes it is difficult to even think about getting pregnant. Sometimes the months seem to drag, but I don't want them to speed up. Time is of the essence...I'm not getting any younger.

In the meantime, I am in full "teacher off school" summer mode. This is only day four, so I have many days of freedom left. I love wandering around the house...so peaceful.

m

(insert twiddling thumbs here)

Freedom. Today was the last day of school. Goodbye students! Don't get me wrong...I think they are great humans, but I am ready for a break from them. And, for all of you who toil away from the field of education....yes, I only work 190 days a year.....yes, I get the holidays off....yes, my life is easy. So, as I say to my brother, go back to school and get your teaching certification if it's so damn easy.

Anyway...that little end-of-the-year rant is over.....we are waiting for E to ovulate. Waiting, waiting, waiting...that's what this is all about. By nature, I am a very patient person, but it is so hard to be totally out of control of what will happen. Will we get pregnant this month? Ever? We have already talked about what else we will do if we can't get pregnant. We both know we will need a project...whether it is being foster parents or running a business. We will just wait.

Tomorrow E and I will be together for two years. In some ways it seems like a couple weeks. I learn more about her and love her more all the time. In other ways it seems like years and years...we are very comfortable together.

Happy Flag Day!

m

What the?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. That is what making a baby is all about in this land.

Today is day 15. Normally, I would have a surge by now. I don't. Nothing. What the hell? This is a little crazy making. Wasn't Clomid supposed to help with this?

We do send our best to Mommies in the Making with their one-hit-wonder status. Tons of positive vibes sent their way. Congrats!

On to the good news....tomorrow is the last day of school. THANK GOODNESS! The children will all leave....and mostly importantly...the teachers will all leave. The interruptions to my work will go from 30-40 per day to about 4. It rocks. I love working with kids and teachers, but summer is there for a reason....and I plan to enjoy it.

E-

something wicked this way comes

E has taken her last dose of Clomid. It is an interesting drug. When I least expect it, E is ripping her clothes off due to hot flashes. She woke up this morning and said that she felt like she had ovulation pain all night long and she started spotting, so we called the doctor. He asked us to come in for an ultrasound to see if her ovary had been overstimulated and grew too large. The ultrasound showed that everything was fine. It was actually kind of fun (for me since I was not being tested...hehe). They measured E's ovaries and all the follicles. They told us how big the follicles should be before insemination and how many there should be. Surprisingly, her lazy left ovary had two of the best follicles...at least at this point.

The nurse recommended that E take some ibuprofen for the pain for the next day or so. In her words, "Clomid is a wicked drug." We're very happy, though, that everything is working and this month may be our best shot yet.

m

New plan

We went to the downtown clinic. It was easier this time because we knew what to expect. We had very, very low expectations. It was very busy and full of teenage moms.

We met the new doctor, Dr. F. He was good. We told him our whole story and he agreed that we should keep trying without having the HSG test for a month or two. He was concerned about my late ovulation. I had to accept that I do not have a regular period. I am not perfect...what is up with that??

So, the decision was this: Clomid. Yup. Like the rest of the world, it is time for Clomid. It is a drug that you take for about 5 days and basically it helps stimulate the ovary to make better eggs and release them earlier. I started taking it today and I am interested to see when I actually ovulate this time.

Next step: order more swimmers. I will tackle that tomorrow.

E-

family welcome here

Aunt Flo came for a visit. Off to a new doctor tomorrow. We called the cryobank and found out there are still some vials left for our guy. That's some good news!

So, last month when it didn't work, E got a new vacuum cleaner. She emailed me today and told me she would like a patio set this time. Now, you might be thinking that we're ridiculous, but this is all stuff we knew we needed and have been saving for so it's a fun way to soften the blow of not being pregnant and get the things we would have gotten anyway. But please don't tell E. She thinks they are special presents she's getting. ;)

m

no surprises here

The question has been asked if we are peeing on sticks. Normally, 13DPO I would have peed on 12 sticks by now. However, the grand total this month is zero...zip...none. We should be starting our third cycle any minute now.

Instead of sitting around wondering and going crazy like last month, this month we are planting new flower beds, putting in a garden, and riding our bikes. We are sore and tired but having a great time.

Soon it will be time for the new donor search and the next round.

E-

she's really swell, too

E said I should write nice stuff about her...

I can't believe we are here, either. As E said, we have been friends for years, and I think we were both a little surprised that we jumped out of that tree. We have a great time together. She makes me laugh like crazy, and let's me see a side of her that almost no one else sees. She is damn smart, too. But, big ditto....she can drive me absolutely nuts--pull out the bottle of whiskey crazy. I wouldn't say she's bossy, but just check out the first line.

And yet, we are here. Having a great time, doing our best to be patient and have fun while we try to make a baby.

Oh, and another friend of ours is pregnant....they're everywhere!!! :)

m

I am not even counting

Since I feel totally normal I am not even counting the days during the TWW. I think we are around day 10 DPO or something like that. Every once in awhile I have a passing hope/thought that...well...maybe I am and I just feel great and this will be a cake walk, but then I remember the very clear symptoms I felt last month and know that nothing is happening here.

We have tried to look for a new donor (our 1st one is out), but I just haven't gotten my head in the right place yet. I am sure it will happen, but it just hasn't yet.

We are heading into the final weeks of school. That brings this great mix of excitement and stress. School really ends. There are no more extensions. Tests must be graded, evaluations completed, portfolios created, IEPs turned in, data collected, classrooms/offices cleaned, and old Tupperware finally brought home. We are both cramming to get everything done before the final days.

M and I recently marked our 1st official year of living together. We have been great friends for almost four years and we dated for a year before we moved in together. We had a perfect move in day. We have the best house. And, at times I am still amazed we ended up here together. I love her more today than I did any day before and I am constantly amazed by that fact. Now, she can make me totally freaking nuts and can drive me to drink, but overall (98% of the time) she just rocks.

E-

DPO4

Here is my list of current symptoms four days DPO:


NOTHING!



It's probably because I'm a late ovulator and the doctor told me (after he injected my $400 worth of stuff) that it was probably a waste of time. Can you tell we're still a little bitter? The good news is that the lack of symptoms this time convinces us that something did happen last time. And, we'll know what to expect in the future. So, we are passing the time waiting for the TWW to be over.

We're changing doctors. We no longer need the posh, overattentive, handholding clinic. We're going for a second opinion. If you've read the whole blog, you know that means we're going back to the not-so-posh downtown clinic...where our insurance covers more and everything is cheaper. E called the downtown office asking if any other doctors do IUIs than the first one we met...I believe she referred to him as a jackass. The nurse knew immediately who she was talking about and agreed. :) Luckily, there are other doctors there who do it, so we have an appt. the day after the TWW to see a new doctor.

In our neverending quest to be good consumers and financial planners, we have purchased a new vehicle. E was driving a 1993 Camry that had seen better days. We put money into it a couple months ago to see how long we could make it last, but when the turn signals stopped working (despite the fact that we changed the fuse which continued to blow every 5 minutes), we decided it was time find a new car. We looked high. We looked low. We read everything we could online. We test drove. Finally, we ended up in something neither of us had even considered...a Subaru Outback (yes, every lesbian has one). We sold the Camry to a work friend who was absolutely thrilled to get it. E is a little sad to see it go. She will miss the sunroof, leather seats, and V6. But, we traded that for a like new vehicle with seat heaters, air bags everywhere, and all wheel drive.

We're off to ride our bikes, plant a garden, and go to prom. Yes, prom. We're educators...who did you think chaperoned that stuff??? For the fashion curious, we're wearing what we wore last year.

m and E-

consumer reports

E and I are big fans of information. We don't make many decisions before doing some research. We want to buy some picture frames...where are they on sale? We might need a new car...which ones are safe and affordable? We read books, blogs, newspapers and magazines and watch tv and movies. We talk to people. 99% of the time we are very confident that we are making good choices, purchasing good products, and getting the best for our money.

Today, I felt like I was forced to be a bad consumer. (Read E's blog for the whole story.) I felt like we did all of our homework. We waited for E to surge. We kept track of days. We peed on sticks. Then, we get done with the doctor and are told our chances are reduced and we need to get out the checkbook. As smart consumers we would have asked what the chances are it would work and made a smart decision. I don't think the doctor did his homework. If you have to have a conversation with us about other options, don't do it when we're in the hopeful glow of "this time it might work." Call us after it doesn't work. The insurance company could have pointed out the language that said, "one shot only." (I'm not sure yet that that language exists.)

So, yes, I feel cheated. I don't want guarantees. I want hope. I am going to talk to lazy lefty now. I believe in her.

m

Late Ovulator

Yesterday about 6pm I got a positive OPK. It lit right up and it was obviously positive. I called the doctor. I got nurse H. She was useless.

She literally said to me, "Can you just call the office in the morning...?"
I said, "No, I need to do this early tomorrow morning and I will need to rearrange my entire day. Last time they confirmed my appointment over the phone."
She said, "Well, I will have to call you later."

We tried to enjoy our night. We were excited that it was finally time and we were so ready.

9 p.m. phone rings and it is nurse H., "Hi, yes, you are confirmed for 8:30 in the Southern office."
I said, "We don't go to the Southern office we go to the Northern office."
Nurse H "Well, you will need to come to the Southern office."
Me: "Well, that isn't going to happen because the sperm is at the Northern office."
Nurse H: "Oh. I will have to call you back."
Me: No shit. (No, Mother, I didn't actually say 'no shit' to her. I wanted to though.)

Finally, she calls back and we are all set for 9:30 a.m. at the Northern office.

We go to work this morning and rush through the two hours we are there. M comes and picks me up and we are off to the clinic. We are excited, but not as nervous as last time. We know what to expect which is awesome. We go in, start the paperwork, read, giggle, laugh, smile, and then perky nurse T comes to get us. Vitals, disrobe, up on the table, check the sperm, same doctor as last time, complete the procedure, and viola. We are done. We are expecting our 10 minutes of private time to talk, smile, etc... HOWEVER....

The doctor takes this time (our 10 minutes) to talk about our treatment plan. He basically says that I am a late ovulator and he doesn't like it. He isn't saying it won't work, but we might need to create a better environment for my eggs and lining. He suggested we consider 1. An HSG test (expensive and time consuming -- 2 weeks on the pill) and 2. Clomid (drug) to create a cycle (expensive).

Then we go out to leave and they ask us to pay. I say, "Nope, our insurance pays." But, of course there is problem with the insurance and them only paying for 1 IUI. Great. We pay and I vow to cuss out everyone at the insurance company.

M said it best. She feels cheated. We feel like we spent $500.00 to be told:
1. You ovulated too late and you probably didn't produce a good egg.
2. We did the IUI anyways before telling you that.
3. It is going to cost you more money than you thought.
4. And, of course as we left they said, "Good luck!"

Welcome to the TWW.

E-

the left one is lazy

We have been waiting all week for E to ovulate. She has peed on countless sticks. She is usually like clockwork. However, we are depending on the left ovary this time. The right ovary always works on Day 16. The left has gone as long as Day 23. E's coworkers have even given the lazy ovary peptalks. E has cursed it out, calling it lazy and slow. She says she's not even sure she wants a child from the left ovary. If the child is lazy, E says she will say, "I knew from the moment I ovulated, you were going to be a slow child." Of course, she says it all with a big grin and she would never call a child lazy or slow. Well, she would but not for coming from the left ovary. Funny stuff.

So, here we are waiting for lefty. It is Day 19. I wonder if they'll inseminate on Mother's Day...

m

SALE!

I am not pregnant, but I did get the vacuum. Finally. The Dyson DC17-Animal was on sale at Target and we got an additionally 10% off. You really can't wait for my reproductive system to align with that good of a sale. So, we went for and it is great. We sucked up enough dog hair to make an entire new dog.

This week should be the week for our next insemination - maybe Thursday or Friday? We will wait for the sticks to tell us. As we enter this next cycle I was concerned about the TWW and missing my beer. I missed my beer during my last two week wait. I mean, I don't need it or have to have -- it was fine, but it is different to have pizza without having a beer - not lots a beer - just one with pizza...who doesn't miss that? However, I have solved that issue. I don't want any beer at all. M and I went to dinner at a friends last night ...six hours later...well, let's just say I spent some time praying to the porcelain god.... I am cured. Bring on the sperm.

E-

Interview Questions from It's Taking a Village

1. E. what are you most looking forward to about pregnancy/early months?
I am excited about serious things like creating a life, feeling my body change to adapt to a visitor, growing closer to M, having a great responsibility, and taking on a great challenge. I am also excited about little things like telling people, spending some of money we have been saving on fun stuff, and watching M laugh with me. Additionally, I am really excited about slowing down at work and being able to say, "yeah, I am pregnant I really can't supervise graduation in 90 degree heat for 3 hours..." heheeh

2. M. what are you most looking forward to about the pregnancy/early months?

I am excited about the wonder of the pregnancy...just watching it happen. I agree with E that it will be fun to tell people and prepare our house and lives. In the early months, I am looking forward to time away from work for us to bond and become a real family.

3. How did you two decide which was having the first/all/none of the babies?
I am in my early 30's. M is not. :) But, she still has a rockin body...

4. Where do you see yourselves in 25 years from now?
Retired. Full pension. Stacked IRA. A child in young adulthood. Still doing things we love whatever they are...reading, talking, working in the yard, some traveling, maybe living part of the time in the South and some here, and still taking care of each other. I hope we are a fun older couple.


5. M. since I too am going (someday I swear) be a non-bio mom, I am wondering what other soon to be non-bios fear the most. Tell me what you think the biggest challenge will be for you being a non-bio mom?

I think the biggest challenge will be conquering the fear of someone being able to take the child away from me if something happened to E or us as a couple. We have put all kinds of legal protections in place, but I still think that fear could lurk in me. I hope the baby is like me in some way...my eye color or hair color or something. Regardless of that, however, I know he/she will be like me because of environment. The child will pick up my mannerisms and will learn the stuff that I know how to do.

May

It is finally May. M and I both work in education and I try very hard not to work in May. It is the end. I don't want to work anymore. I want to sit around, talk to my friends, and work "summer hours." However, I have a pretty strong work ethic -- so I am still working -- your tax dollars aren't going to waste. I just really don't want to right now. M's view of school is a little different -- here is hers...

1st Quarter: arrive 30 minutes early to school
2nd Quarter: arrive 10 minutes early to school
3rd Quarter: arrive somewhat on time
4th Quarter: they are lucky I show up at all.....

We are not doing anything different for this cycle in terms of drugs or interventions. We are keeping track of my basal body temperature -- that way we can obsess about one more variable during the TWW...nice, huh? The TWW is a time when your entire world is nuts. You obsess about everything and it is very consuming. I am going to try to be more relaxed this time. I am going to document what I am feeling, but I am going to try to not go nuts.

We will try again late next week. I just watch the days tick by on my monitor.

E-

decompressing

What a great weekend in beautiful weather. We got in a 12-mile bike ride yesterday and yardwork and retail therapy today. I guess we both felt defeated and stressed about last week. Oh, I almost forgot one of the really good parts of the weekend. E got us hour-long massages Friday after work. Ahhhh! Completely wonderful. I had some knots in my shoulders that took a while to work out.

I think we each process the disappointment of not being pregnant in our own time and way. I think it's different for E, too, because it is her body and she knows what she felt during and after.

So, we're enjoying drinking some beer, taking bike rides, and just waiting for our next shot.

m

bring on the beer and cookie dough

Zip, zero, zilch, nothing, nada. AF is here.

We asked the doctor about the strong symptoms and she feels that the egg and the sperm hooked up but never implanted. E had tons of symptoms while the progesterone was raging, but then the symptoms slowly went away when the egg failed to implant.

So, we are drinking beer and E is eating cookie dough. We are happy to finally know and are looking forward to the next try.

Things you need to do before you enter a the TWW:
1. Dye your hair...you can't do that during the first 12 weeks. No one told E that.
2. Buy home pregnancy tests online...a lot of them. They are much cheaper.
3. Be prepared to be on a rollercoaster that makes you nauseous, but not for the right reasons.

Thanks for all the good wishes. On to cycle 2.

m and E-

12 DPO

Nothing.

a little game we call poke and smack

I think we should all recoup a little money by buying stock in the companies that make the pee sticks. I am fairly sure that E and I are personally financing corporate trips for them. We are on 11dpo and have peed on a few sticks. It is disappointing because we haven't had a positive. However, we know we are very early. E is at least five days from her period. Then why keep checking? Because we want to know!

In my effort to see if there are still signs, this is the way the scene plays out here:
M pokes E in the boob.
E yells "Ouch!" and smacks M.
M raises her arms in victory and says "Yes!"

We're going out to do yardwork now before we drive each other crazy. It will be hard to do with our fingers crossed though.

m

DPO 10

It is finally warm and sunny here and today we will take our first official bike ride. We ride bicycles, not motorcycles. M has been a hard-core road biker for years. She is the type to actually complete the 300 mile charity ride in 5 days without using granny gear. I have been riding more and more over the past few summers. I can't wait for that feeling of flying over the landscape. Of course, since this is the first ride, it will be more like walking over the landscape.

The TWW is dragging on... I believe I am pregnant and I am just waiting for the sticks to catch up with me and confirm it. Nothing else could explain the rapid expansion of my chest, and I mean rapid. My breasts ache almost all day long. I am still a little woozy, but not as bad as the other day. I have also had horrible headaches that go from a dull ache to a full surge of pain. Additionally, I am exhausted for no good reason. By 9 p.m. I am asleep, not reading in bed...passed out.

Questions/Issues

1. If I am not pregnant, I am going to need some serious mental health help to find out how/why I convinced my body to be "pregnant." (You've heard the stories.)

2. Many women go through the same issues and never think they are pregnant (maybe it is a bad case of pms, etc) because many pregnancies go undetected and end before the mother even knew she was pregnant.

3. I work with about 20 women who have been pregnant in the last 2-3 years and many of them talk about the miscarriage they had, etc... Carrying a baby to term is quite an accomplishment, and miscarriages are so common from a statistical standpoint and a qualitative standpoint.

So, we will wait for a few more days. I have scheduled a blood test for Tuesday afternoon, about 12 hours before I was supposed to, but this Wednesday my schedule is a nightmare and M and I have a baby shower to attend after school. If the home tests keep coming up negative on Tuesday, I will move the appointment to Thursday....and ask for a pysch consult... :)

E-

Woozy

I am or aren't I, that is the question. This TWW is not very enjoyable. It can make one crazy.

As I move through my day I am constantly checking my status. If I am busy at work, then I truly forget about it until something happens. For example, I was walking the halls about mid-morning and I just needed to stop because I had that moment of wooziness. I paused and tried to go again and realized that I wasn't quite ready. It probably lasted 20 seconds. Then I felt fine.

Later in the afternoon I was at my desk typing and the entire world went woozy. No, it went super woozy and I felt like I was going to pass out. I could feel the blood rush from my hands to the center part of my body. I don't think I could have stood if I had to. I literally put my head between my knees. I felt this great mix of "excellent...this totally isn't normal" and "holy crap what the hell is going on with my body?" I felt a little better so I decided to go to the bathroom (just in case). I thought about throwing up, but nothing happened. I then told myself to toughen up. I went and reported it to my best friend who totally agrees that isn't normal which means........?? The entire event lasted about 5 minutes (it felt like more).

But, then for hours I feel totally normal and think...humm...maybe that last event was the end of it? Maybe the sperm and egg met and hooked up and the progesterone is flooding my system, but it isn't attaching or I am pregnant now, but it doesn't mean that I will stay pregnant. Or, we are pregnant and this is really it.

I also wonder if the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc... TWW is easier or harder? Is it harder because the pressure is amped up? Or, is it more of a way of life and it is what it is?

I am hopeful that I am pregnant. I will be disappointed in myself if I am not pregnant. It will make me feel like I don't know my own body, but I will get over it and try again.

E-

P.S. M is super excited today. She drove me to work and was like "how do you feel, etc.." When I got out of the car I told her, "okay, babe, I will try and throw up for you today..."

the price is right

E and I have hoped (like everyone else) to be one hit wonders...pregnant after the first insemination. However, we've planned for it taking a while by saving a good nest egg. Since we moved in together, we've had a list of things we want to buy or things we want to do to the house. E has decided that if we are in fact pregnant, then she gets a deck set and a new vacuum with the spare baby money. She told me today that she is envisioning this like a spot on The Price Is Right. If she wins, she gets the showcase showdown prizes. If not, she gets beer and raw cookie dough (one of her favorite treats).

Always the optimist...

m

P.S. 5 dpo signs...same as before but yesterday you could have added irritability. I'm not sure if it counts since we were painting and I was the irritable one...hehehehehe.

Bedroom

I am amazed at how well M and I work together. We have painted 6 rooms, the past 6 months, in our house and I think we only had one fight. I think that is damn good. She trims, I roll. Here is our updated bedroom.