decompressing

What a great weekend in beautiful weather. We got in a 12-mile bike ride yesterday and yardwork and retail therapy today. I guess we both felt defeated and stressed about last week. Oh, I almost forgot one of the really good parts of the weekend. E got us hour-long massages Friday after work. Ahhhh! Completely wonderful. I had some knots in my shoulders that took a while to work out.

I think we each process the disappointment of not being pregnant in our own time and way. I think it's different for E, too, because it is her body and she knows what she felt during and after.

So, we're enjoying drinking some beer, taking bike rides, and just waiting for our next shot.

m

bring on the beer and cookie dough

Zip, zero, zilch, nothing, nada. AF is here.

We asked the doctor about the strong symptoms and she feels that the egg and the sperm hooked up but never implanted. E had tons of symptoms while the progesterone was raging, but then the symptoms slowly went away when the egg failed to implant.

So, we are drinking beer and E is eating cookie dough. We are happy to finally know and are looking forward to the next try.

Things you need to do before you enter a the TWW:
1. Dye your hair...you can't do that during the first 12 weeks. No one told E that.
2. Buy home pregnancy tests online...a lot of them. They are much cheaper.
3. Be prepared to be on a rollercoaster that makes you nauseous, but not for the right reasons.

Thanks for all the good wishes. On to cycle 2.

m and E-

12 DPO

Nothing.

a little game we call poke and smack

I think we should all recoup a little money by buying stock in the companies that make the pee sticks. I am fairly sure that E and I are personally financing corporate trips for them. We are on 11dpo and have peed on a few sticks. It is disappointing because we haven't had a positive. However, we know we are very early. E is at least five days from her period. Then why keep checking? Because we want to know!

In my effort to see if there are still signs, this is the way the scene plays out here:
M pokes E in the boob.
E yells "Ouch!" and smacks M.
M raises her arms in victory and says "Yes!"

We're going out to do yardwork now before we drive each other crazy. It will be hard to do with our fingers crossed though.

m

DPO 10

It is finally warm and sunny here and today we will take our first official bike ride. We ride bicycles, not motorcycles. M has been a hard-core road biker for years. She is the type to actually complete the 300 mile charity ride in 5 days without using granny gear. I have been riding more and more over the past few summers. I can't wait for that feeling of flying over the landscape. Of course, since this is the first ride, it will be more like walking over the landscape.

The TWW is dragging on... I believe I am pregnant and I am just waiting for the sticks to catch up with me and confirm it. Nothing else could explain the rapid expansion of my chest, and I mean rapid. My breasts ache almost all day long. I am still a little woozy, but not as bad as the other day. I have also had horrible headaches that go from a dull ache to a full surge of pain. Additionally, I am exhausted for no good reason. By 9 p.m. I am asleep, not reading in bed...passed out.

Questions/Issues

1. If I am not pregnant, I am going to need some serious mental health help to find out how/why I convinced my body to be "pregnant." (You've heard the stories.)

2. Many women go through the same issues and never think they are pregnant (maybe it is a bad case of pms, etc) because many pregnancies go undetected and end before the mother even knew she was pregnant.

3. I work with about 20 women who have been pregnant in the last 2-3 years and many of them talk about the miscarriage they had, etc... Carrying a baby to term is quite an accomplishment, and miscarriages are so common from a statistical standpoint and a qualitative standpoint.

So, we will wait for a few more days. I have scheduled a blood test for Tuesday afternoon, about 12 hours before I was supposed to, but this Wednesday my schedule is a nightmare and M and I have a baby shower to attend after school. If the home tests keep coming up negative on Tuesday, I will move the appointment to Thursday....and ask for a pysch consult... :)

E-

Woozy

I am or aren't I, that is the question. This TWW is not very enjoyable. It can make one crazy.

As I move through my day I am constantly checking my status. If I am busy at work, then I truly forget about it until something happens. For example, I was walking the halls about mid-morning and I just needed to stop because I had that moment of wooziness. I paused and tried to go again and realized that I wasn't quite ready. It probably lasted 20 seconds. Then I felt fine.

Later in the afternoon I was at my desk typing and the entire world went woozy. No, it went super woozy and I felt like I was going to pass out. I could feel the blood rush from my hands to the center part of my body. I don't think I could have stood if I had to. I literally put my head between my knees. I felt this great mix of "excellent...this totally isn't normal" and "holy crap what the hell is going on with my body?" I felt a little better so I decided to go to the bathroom (just in case). I thought about throwing up, but nothing happened. I then told myself to toughen up. I went and reported it to my best friend who totally agrees that isn't normal which means........?? The entire event lasted about 5 minutes (it felt like more).

But, then for hours I feel totally normal and think...humm...maybe that last event was the end of it? Maybe the sperm and egg met and hooked up and the progesterone is flooding my system, but it isn't attaching or I am pregnant now, but it doesn't mean that I will stay pregnant. Or, we are pregnant and this is really it.

I also wonder if the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc... TWW is easier or harder? Is it harder because the pressure is amped up? Or, is it more of a way of life and it is what it is?

I am hopeful that I am pregnant. I will be disappointed in myself if I am not pregnant. It will make me feel like I don't know my own body, but I will get over it and try again.

E-

P.S. M is super excited today. She drove me to work and was like "how do you feel, etc.." When I got out of the car I told her, "okay, babe, I will try and throw up for you today..."

the price is right

E and I have hoped (like everyone else) to be one hit wonders...pregnant after the first insemination. However, we've planned for it taking a while by saving a good nest egg. Since we moved in together, we've had a list of things we want to buy or things we want to do to the house. E has decided that if we are in fact pregnant, then she gets a deck set and a new vacuum with the spare baby money. She told me today that she is envisioning this like a spot on The Price Is Right. If she wins, she gets the showcase showdown prizes. If not, she gets beer and raw cookie dough (one of her favorite treats).

Always the optimist...

m

P.S. 5 dpo signs...same as before but yesterday you could have added irritability. I'm not sure if it counts since we were painting and I was the irritable one...hehehehehe.

Bedroom

I am amazed at how well M and I work together. We have painted 6 rooms, the past 6 months, in our house and I think we only had one fight. I think that is damn good. She trims, I roll. Here is our updated bedroom.

Round 1, DPO3

M has been posting for days. I have avoided it because I don't like to be wrong. I like to be right. I didn't want to make posts about how I was feeling because it seemed that if I got the negative pregnancy test that I would be upset that I wasn't pregnant and that I was wrong about my "signs." However, after thinking about it...I don't care. The point of the blog is to keep our friends and family informed and to be a voice for lesbian moms who are TTC.

With that said....overall I feel completely normal. I have had a few questionable signs that could be normal, created by my desire to be pregnant, or they could be very early signs of pregnancy....so, here they are:

1. Tired. I was yawning yesterday at 4:30 p.m.
2. Moments of wooziness. At least twice a day I get the feeling that the world just tilted for a second, then it passes.
3. My nipples are very sensitive.

Those are it at DPO 3. Could be totally imagined and I am okay with that.

M is very cute. She is trying to be very patient and kind to me. We are painting the bedroom today and I can't wait to see it.

E-

perspective

Day 2dpo and we are monitoring every burp and hiccup. It's pretty funny. I emailed E and said, "I have a headache and I'm tired. Think I could be pregnant?" heheahehehe We are distracting ourselves this weekend by painting the bedroom and going to a baby shower. Painting always seems to make the time fly, so we thought it might be good for us.

We went to a new lawyer today and had all the documents drawn up...dpoa, wills, guardianship, co-parenting agreement. Our lawyer is also a lesbian with a child, so we were very comfortable. Also, she considers this part of her job as a community service...way inexpensive. E turned to me when the lawyer was out of the room and said, "I love her." Just the way she feels about our new doctor. So, all those pieces are in place.

I am freaking out less today. I sat down and had a good talk with myself. I cannot control whether E gets pregnant this time or at all. I am grateful to have her in my life. I will focus on that and everything else will be bonus.

m

help me get out of my head

It is soooooo hard now that E could be pregnant. During all of the planning stages, I was so relaxed. Everything was exciting, and I knew it would be okay. I felt like whenever it happened it would be great. Now, despite being a previously completely patient person, I cannot wait. I want to know! I want E to be pregnant! I want to be with her every minute. I want to know every sensation she is feeling. I feel very protective of her. E, on the other hand, the totally impatient one, is cool as a cucumber. She's just "la de dah....everything is fine." What the hell? Where did that come from?

Whenever I have pictured having a child, it was fully formed. I was feeding a baby. I was chasing a toddler. I was teaching a kid to ride a bike. Never in my head was I taking my love to the doctor to get the stuff, waiting for two weeks, wondering incessantly if it worked. I want so desperately for it to work.

If this isn't the time, we will both be fine. However, I'd like it a lot better if we got lucky this time. And, this is only day two.....whew.

m

P.S. Thank you for all the positive wishes. We'd be lost without the blogs and our cyber baby world.

Exhausted.

My physical, emotional, and mental state:

Physical:
It felt like a cramp. That's it. It wasn't bad. They don't use lube with the speculum, so that did not feel very pleasant. Once the doctor was done, my body totally relaxed and I felt fine. My ovulation sensation started late this afternoon and it is always a little uncomfortable.

Emotionally:
I was very overwhelmed during the insemination. I wasn't scared or nervous or worried. I was disappointed that it had to be so clinical. That it couldn't just be the two of us. I was very happy when everyone left the room and it was just me and M. She is awesome at comforting me, making me feel safe, and knowing when to make me smile. When we went to work, I just wanted to be with her. We emailed about every 2 minutes...it was awesome to come home to her. She had 3 dozen tulips waiting for me. She loves me and I love her dearly. I am so happy she is my partner on this journey.

Mentally:
Did we do it right? That is what is flies through my mind every 2 minutes.
My surge started between 1 p.m. and 6 p.m. yesterday, but using those crazy OPK sticks is so tricky that I didn't know for sure until this morning with the ClearBlue Easy. I was inseminated about 9 a.m. and around 2 p.m. I started to fell my ovulation sensation and it last for a couple of hours. So, I think we did well. The sperm is in there swimming and the egg is being released. Now they just need to meet, hook up, and stick together.

Random things I saw today:
1. Did I mention it snowed about 5 inches here today? Very wild spring storm. I am a transplanted southerner here in the Midwest, so I am convinced the world has gone nuts when it snows in April.
2. We saw the sperm vial that we ordered. It was tiny--like a firecracker cut in half. I can't believe the shipping was as much as it was....
3. A couple in the waiting room were nuts. They fought the entire time. I wanted to get away from them.
4. You have to sign 400+ forms to be inseminated.
5. If I die, M gets the sperm (there was a form). I have no idea what she would do with it.
6. I am exhausted. Is that a sign of pregnancy? It is 8:00 and I want to go to bed.

I am blessed to have M, I am blessed to live in a country and community that allows us to make a baby, and I am blessed to have the chance to become a parent.

E-

just breathe

The average person takes over 23,000 breaths in a day. I was about 5,000 short today.

E was inseminated! We were pretty sure last night that she was starting to surge. She is like clockwork. This morning we got the egg on the ClearBlue Easy, so we were off to the doctor's office. I tried very hard not to be excited. Since our chances of getting pregnant on the first try are not that great, I was warding off disappointment. We anxiously/nervously/excitedly went to the doctor's office. The clinic and everyone there are awesome. We signed all the forms saying, "I am the right person. This is the right stuff." Then, we had to wait a half hour for the stuff to thaw.

Into the room. E was great. She experienced a little discomfort, but after a few deep breaths it was all over. We had never met the doctor before, but we liked him. After the insemination was done, he said, "I know this is all very clinical. We're going to leave the room while you relax for 10 minutes and you can be as romantic as you want." We thought it was very sweet and understanding. We felt overwhelmed...in a good way. We were happy to have those 10 minutes to be quiet and close.

We went to work for the rest of the day and were completely preoccupied. We wanted to be together, but realized if we didn't go to work we would drive ourselves crazy at home. So, basically, work was just a distraction.

Now, we are home relaxing. I have given the egg and the sperm my best pep talks. I cannot believe the day is finally here. I am so excited and yet trying to be cautious. I am in a beautiful home with my beautiful woman...completely happy. Breathing.

m

just keep swimming

It's official. We hate OPK sticks. We have been using our ClearBlue Easy once a day and now that we're close, we've been using OPK sticks 12 hours after the ClearBlue Easy. Gross or not, we've saved the OPKs so we could compare the colors. (We know that after 10 minutes the results are no longer accurate.) It appears that E is surging. We have an appointment for the insemination tomorrow morning. However, if the ClearBlue Easy doesn't read ovulation in the morning, we will postpone until later tomorrow or the next day.

It's also official that we are freaking out a little. Our only concern is that our timing is right. We are having a second beer. (E is afraid it may be her last.)

The little guys won't be thawed until morning and after that we hope they just keep swimming...

m

hehehe...thanks, Amy...it's been in my head all day.

are we there yet?

Vacation was excellent. The weather was great...warm temps, plenty of sunshine. I made some gains in my quest to see every state...added two or three. I learned how to fire a shotgun. We worked some at E's mom's, but that balanced all the relaxation nicely. We ate at a local hangout with excellent food two nights in a row...on the second night they asked if we were still lost. We had dinner with E's college friend and had a great time.

The best parts were spending every day with E and getting the tour of her life from childhood to post-college. I like having pictures in my head of the places she tells me about. On most days I think I know almost everything about her; however, I am always excited when she reveals something new. She has told me countless stories of her life before me, but I think being in the physical location reminds us of things we had forgotten about ourselves. Old stories don't change who we are...they just add new layers. I love knowing more about what made her who she is. I love looking at her, hearing her talk to her mom, seeing her in times of conflict...and knowing what might be going on inside her...where it all came from.

***
The worst part of vacation. E and I established last year that I am the driver and she is the passenger. She is a shitty driver and I am a shitty passenger. She tailgates and I am boring. So, I drove the whole vacation. Now, this vacation was not a driving only vacation...we flew and rented a car. However, I still managed to rack up about 35 hours of time behind the wheel in the past 9 days. Silver lining...no speeding tickets.

***
One of the funniest moments...we thought E would ovulate late this coming week, so while she was peeing on the stick on vacation we did not expect anything but a low reading. On Friday morning, her reading was at medium which means that she could have been ovulating by the time the weekend was over. When we saw the monitor at medium, we both looked at each other like, "Holy crap!" It was a mixture of "I hope we make it until Monday" and "Are we ready for this?" Ultimately, it was just funny when we realized we both had the same looks on our faces.

***
So, now we're back home. Reading the paper, checking email and blogs, looking at vacation pictures, watching the dog sleep...and waiting for our world to change.

m

Are we home yet?

Back from vacation. It was fun and a little grueling. We went to four states and spent a lot of time in the car, but as always we had a great time. We got to see my mother and I got to catch up with a great friend from college who just had a baby. She and her husband are doing a great job of creating an excellent family. She makes her own baby food, which we think is just great and the baby is so freaking cute. I wish I lived closer to her. She should move here.

So, babymaking..... this is the week. Here it is. I am currently peeing on a stick twice a day. We are using the ClearBlue Easy monitor in the morning and a regular OPK around 6 p.m. in the evening. So, every twelve hours my heart races and I try and distract myself for the 3 minutes it takes to give me an answer.

When the machine or stick actually reads as surging...we will call the doctor and say we are ready. I assume an evening surge means that we will inseminate the next day -- I don't know what time? A morning surge will mean a late afternoon insemination? I don't know that either. I will call the doctor in the morning and ask these questions.

It is great to be home. I like to travel, but I truly love being at home. We have a great house, dog, community, and I feel closest to M sitting right here on the couch, next to her, watching her read the paper.

E-