CD #14

Cycle Day 14.

I have survived the worst of the clomid hot flashes. They are very minor, if at all, at this point. Clomid is an interesting drug; it makes me hungry and hot. The hot flashes are like waves of hot crashing through my chest and arms. I now pee on a stick every morning between 10a.m.-11a.m. and wait for the egg symbol to pop up on the machine. We will add a night time check around bedtime tonight.

Someone posted that this is the hardest part of the cycle and I agree. You have no control over this part and you have no idea when it is going to happen -- could it be today? will it be before day 20? what day is too late? when do we fine out we have to skip another month? During the TWW (two week wait) you know when it will be over. You take the test and get your period and you know that you are done. During the "waiting for ovulation phase" your entire life looks like this:

*if I get a + today then we will go tomorrow morning - but it is a weekend so we have to go across town
*if I get + Saturday, then we will have to go in on Sunday and of course across town
*if I get a + Sunday, then we have to go on Monday, but I am working and I will have to re-arrange meeting A, B, and C

You are just in a constant game of schedule management.

Another thought:

Silver lining. I am a pretty positive person and I have found my silver lining to not being pregnant on the 1st try or the 2nd try or the no-try 3rd time. The silver lining is that we have been able to slow down and think. When you first start this process there are tons of new words, patterns, doctors, processes, and people. It is all very exciting and people are positive and you feel overwhelmed with the idea that in nine months you could be a mother. But, for whatever reason it doesn't happen. You become a patient. You follow sets of instructions. You are not ever going to be a one-hit wonder. It isn't going to be easy. You are going to have to work for it. Your mind shifts.

You become committed to trying. You no longer become committed to being a parent. You promise to try, to follow doctors' orders, to take the drugs, pee on the sticks, and save money. One begins to think about what life would be like without a child and find comfort in being with your partner. You are committed to trying, to praying about it, and to hoping for the best. You really can't let your mind decorate the nursery -- you can only be committed and focused on trying to get to that point.

E-

puppy love

Aaahhhhhhhhh.......home at last. We enjoyed the time away and are glad to be back. I think the worst part was that our golden retriever had to go to the kennel while we were away. I have had her since she was 7 weeks old and now she is 7 years old. She is a great dog and everyone immediately falls in love with her. E used to be very wary of the dog...she would try to move away and definitely did not enjoy the slobber. When we dropped the dog off at the kennel, E cried. Times change. The golden is so much a part of our life. The house just doesn't seem the same when she's not around.

While we were on our trip, I read Marley and Me. It's a good, fun read. But I should not have read it while the dog was not with me. If you love a dog, have ever loved a dog, or have ever thought about wanting a dog, you should read the book. It is hysterically funny and sweet. I was very happy when my dog came running into my arms.

*****
On the baby front, E is taking twice the clomid dose and has started having hot flashes. In addition to being fun to watch her go from pink to red and "glowing," I also like it because I feel like at least something is happening. Hopefully the increased dose will get us going in a more timely fashion.

m

Cycle #4

Cycle #1: a possible hit, but nothing to report
Cycle #2: late ovulation (Day 21) but inseminated anyways
Cycle #3: 50 mgs of clomid, hot flashes, late ovulation (Day 25) - no insemination
Cycle #4: Doctor upped my clomid to 100 mgs and we will wait for ovulation

We just got back from a vacation of visiting family. The weather was hot, but we had a good time. We are home for a few weeks now with nothing to do and it is marvelous.

Finally

Finally -- it is my last day of school. I turned off the email, changed my voicemail message to say 'don't call me I don't care' (kidding), and shut my door -- I am out of there. I work an 11-month contract so July is my month of doing nothing. Being partnered with a fellow educator rocks because we almost always get the same vacation time.

July is our month to be together, read, relax, travel, bike, and most recently GOLF. We went golfing yesterday with friends (first time for me) and it was great. We didn't count strokes...why would we? It was an amazing afternoon filled with beer, friends, laughs, and sport.

Baby-making-news: The doctor wants me to call him on the first day of my cycle and then he will decided how much clomid to pump me full of. I can't wait for the hot-flashes in July. ;) So, we will enjoy our first few days of freedom and soak up the gorgeous Midwest summer weather.

E-

a man, a plan...no canal

The Clearblue Easy finally indicated the surge yesterday (day 25). We called the doctor who said that it was probably too late to inseminate. While we wish we could inseminate, we do appreciate not wasting a bunch of money when it probably won't work. The doctor said he would read our records on Monday and call us on Tuesday with the plan for next month. We are very happy that our new doctor seems to be on the same page we are.

Now, we are off to our best friend's wedding. Cheers.

m and E-

better late than never?

It is day 24 and still no ovulation. I thought the clomid would speed up the ovulation, but I am obviously wrong. The bad news is that we're still waiting for E to ovulate, but the good news is that the clomid makes the egg more viable. So, when we talked to the doctor last week, he said he would still do the insemination because the chances are still very good. The Clearblue Easy was at the medium level this morning. (I know it doesn't really mean medium but that's how I think of it.) We are excited that we still have a chance this month. Sometimes it is difficult to even think about getting pregnant. Sometimes the months seem to drag, but I don't want them to speed up. Time is of the essence...I'm not getting any younger.

In the meantime, I am in full "teacher off school" summer mode. This is only day four, so I have many days of freedom left. I love wandering around the house...so peaceful.

m

(insert twiddling thumbs here)

Freedom. Today was the last day of school. Goodbye students! Don't get me wrong...I think they are great humans, but I am ready for a break from them. And, for all of you who toil away from the field of education....yes, I only work 190 days a year.....yes, I get the holidays off....yes, my life is easy. So, as I say to my brother, go back to school and get your teaching certification if it's so damn easy.

Anyway...that little end-of-the-year rant is over.....we are waiting for E to ovulate. Waiting, waiting, waiting...that's what this is all about. By nature, I am a very patient person, but it is so hard to be totally out of control of what will happen. Will we get pregnant this month? Ever? We have already talked about what else we will do if we can't get pregnant. We both know we will need a project...whether it is being foster parents or running a business. We will just wait.

Tomorrow E and I will be together for two years. In some ways it seems like a couple weeks. I learn more about her and love her more all the time. In other ways it seems like years and years...we are very comfortable together.

Happy Flag Day!

m